Myths we tell ourselves to justify relational abuse
Dear Ones,
Welcome to my Sessions with Iri newsletter. If you have been reading my musing on MiST for a while, then this will be no different - an exploration of what it means to be human, especially in its uncomfortable aspects that we often like to hide. I seem to have a passion for exposing mine, as a way of loosening everyone else’s pants.
So here we go. The first letter is for those of us who tend to over-function in relationships and internally justify the abusive behaviours of others and ourselves, in order to avoid the grief of the situation. These myths are not only ours, they are societal and often part of the conscious community lingo. But guess what, they are not true. And though they help us protect (temporarily) from pain, the pain itself is the medicine.
Myth No 1: "IF i try harder, do better, it will be enough."
Have you been in the situation of constantly trying to better yourself to avoid the criticism of your partner? I have sadly been on both sides of this dynamic.
Unfortunately, as the critic, I can safely say that it will never be enough, because the dynamic on the surface is hiding a much deeper need not being met by the relationship. The critic is unaware and unable to express it otherwise, so it comes out as constant dissatisfaction about something else. Deep inside, the critic actually “knows” intuitively that the person on the other side is not able to meet their true need. Often, nobody is. And that makes the criticism on the surface even more compulsive.
As the people-pleaser in the dynamic, I can safely say that it will never be enough either. The people-pleaser is not labouring for love, nor out of love. In fact, they are labouring for safety, out of fear, while abandoning themselves. Deep down, they know that their need for safety cannot be met by the person on the other side (or anyone for that matter) and that makes the labouring even more compulsive.
Myth No 2: "I should communicate my boundaries better."
Boundaries are so popular these days. But here is the thing - the people who really honour and respect you, are attuned and interested in your wellbeing (rather than meeting their own needs through the relationship), will be sensitive enough to FEEL where your boundaries are. You won't have to say that in words.
More importantly, sometimes you SHOULND'T communicate your boundaries at all. There are people with whom communicating your boundaries is a "suicide mission". Someone with abusive or antagonistic tendencies has no interest in respecting your boundaries, but the information you provide becomes ammunition for them. Once they know where the limit is, it becomes enticing for them to break it, because they are interested in control, not love.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean not to set boundaries - definitely set them. Simply choose who you communicate them to.
Myth No 3: “Relationships are always 50/50”
I love this one, from the “age of awareness”...What a pile of absolute bullsh*t. Relationships are 50/50 between two honest flawed people who have come to the table with the intention to grow in love. There can be unloving behaviours, there can be triggers, there can be abusive escalations…but the foundation is one of wanting to love and learn how to do so better.
Relationships are NOT 50/50 between someone who came to the table with the intention to love and someone who came to the table with the intention to twist reality, manipulate, create chaos and control, often dressed up as love.
Here, there is no 50/50 and no possible share attribution at all, because the two people are simply not playing the same game. One thinks that they share a common intention and is led to believe so, the other one KNOWS that they don’t and is manipulating appearances to mislead so.
Myth No 4: “Hurt people hurt people.”
Have you ever wondered why some of the most oppressed, abused people who have lived through tremendous suffering are also the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate souls?
Right. Whether we are hurt or not has actually little to do with our tendency to hurt people.
It’s not the hurt people that hurt people, but the people that 1) haven’t felt and metabolised their pain and 2) have the tendency to avoid and project (rather than introject) their pain.
The first condition covers all of us - well, I have yet to meet someone who has escaped it. We all have heartbreaks we still resist to feel fully and that resistance usually causes suffering. The second condition points to the tendency of some people to project the resisted pain outwardly (hence hurt those around them), while others tend to “eat it in” and mostly hurt themselves. Therapy rooms are full of the latter, less so of the former.
And now here comes the bombshell - some people haven’t been hurt ENOUGH to stop hurting other people. I’m speaking of the entitled Golden Child, who grew up on a pedestal, largely shielded from disappointments, incapable of postponing gratification and with no understanding of accountability or reciprocity. These people haven’t actually been humbled enough by early life, because their needs and wishes have been overprovided for and there have been no consequences to their unloving behaviour. They cause tremendous damage. And they are never in therapy rooms.
Myth No 5: “If I heal a wound, the old pattern will stop appearing”
Sadly not. The old pattern usually appears in new clothes and we often mistake this for “a healing failure” on our behalf. But life teaches us in cycles, not straight lines. Some overlooked signs of healing include:
1) catching it faster than before even though you’ve already repeated the pattern
2) being aware of the pattern, even though you can’t help repeating it. You take responsibility for it and no longer feel like a victim.
3) being tempted to fall for it again, but mustering the courage to choose differently, then dealing with feelings of intense self-doubt and guilt. “What if this time were different…”
Finally, one day, you look back and you see that everything fell off - the pain, the pattern and the past story about it. Wherever you are on this journey, you are doing great.
Myth No 6: “If I just managed to explain better, they would understand”
The sad truth is, if this thought occurs to you often, you are not having a communication problem. You are probably dealing with someone who has no interest in understanding your point of view. They are interested in controlling the narrative and your perception of reality.
Every new attempt to explain is a new leakage of power from you to them. The sooner you understand that, the more you can preserve your energy. As you stop explaining yourself and let them have their version of reality, you will be faced with some difficult emotions - feeling helpless, disconnected, sad and ultimately alone. They are unlikely to be new and have been with you for a while. The sweetest most empowering and healing thing that you can do is to feel them.
Myth No 7: “Love requires sacrifice”
This one has also been a big one for me over the last year. We are often conditioned by role models, tradition, religion and society to believe that, but love and sacrifice have nothing in common. Sacrifice has a lot more to do with fear, than love. In fact, sacrifice is the act of abandoning yourself to preserve a conditional connection.
I won’t tell you what love is. That is for each of us to discover. But I invite you to at least ponder the following: what feelings and beliefs you would have to face if you let go of sacrifice as a way of getting or keeping love?
Our avoidance of these feelings is what stands in the way of true love.
Myth No 8: “I am equally responsible for being mistreated, because I didn’t set boundaries.”
I heard this a number of times this year from well meaning people. Quite a common responsibility transfer that serves to justify all sorts of subtle abuse going on.
Let me take it to the extreme to show you how absurd this statement is. Would you say to the civilians in the ongoing wars that they are equally responsible for the abuse they are experiencing, because they didn’t and had no means to defend their boundaries? Of course not.
It’s the same principle.It is not because someone has no boundaries or porous boundaries that it justifies someone else dishonoring, disrespecting or abusing them. Simple.
Should we work on our boundaries? No doubt. Does our lack of boundaries justify abuse? Absolutely not. In fact, abusive people don’t really care about your boundaries, so that whole statement tends to be one big gaslight and a responsibility transfer.
Myth No 9: “The first step of healing work is feeling safe in my body.”
Having a flexible and grounded nervous system is the prerequisite for us being able to begin exploring and feeling the deeper emotions we’ve held for years. However, it is far from being the first step and that’s why it so often fails.
You cannot feel truly safe in your body if you feel deeply unsafe in your circumstances, in the system you live in, in the institutions and friendships you lean on for support. Your body isn’t wrong and it is not ONLY a failure of self-regulation. It is a system failure.
The first step of healing doesn’t always have to do with any nervous system regulation work. It starts by becoming aware, naming and changing the environment, circumstances, relationships and so called support that you depend on, that are actually unsafe.
Myth No 10: “If I shift internally, my partner will mirror it.”
Not quite, no.I’ll go straight to the end with this one - true healing is a work of surrender of control. No agenda would do - especially not this one. There is this new age belief that if you shift internally, the external world will mirror it. It dangles a nice little golden carrot to people in front of us.
But it is not what happens in reality. Deep inner work progressively removes our need for the so-called external world, our partners, our circumstances to be any particular way, other than what they are. And that is so sweet, loving and freeing. I wish you nothing short of that.